Dear Whinechick… drinking to stay skinny & smart?

Dear Whinechick,

With so many articles out there on the internet about wine & health, how do I know what to believe?

It’s funny you ask me this.  I constantly see an article one day singing the praises of “2 glasses a day for heart health” and then the next week, in the same magazine, it says that a new study finds more than 1 glass a day cuts 10 years off your life and you run the risk of an early heart attack and alcoholism.  Here are my 2 favorites:

Wine makes you smarter… well of course I’m smarter.  I’ve had 3 glasses of Chardonnay and I know everything.  Trust me.  Anyone who’s drunk knows everything and cannot be argued with.  Now, the key thing to decipher here is whether that person is smart or just a smart-alek when they drink.  See, smart-aleks are just really funny and quick with their words so they appear smart.  Its a gift to actually be dumb, but be a smart-alek and have quick come-backs when your drunk.  You can fool many-a-people.  How do you think so many dumb people are rich (or reality stars)?

nothiing goes better with fries than fine, french bubbly!

Drinking will keep you skinny… let’s see, wine is made from grapes.  Grapes are a fruit, and fruits are a major food group.  Great, I get 2 servings a day!  Let’s see, what other food groups can I substitute wine for?  Carbohydrates?  The average glass of dry red or white  has under 1 gram of carbs.  Hmmm… this kind of reminds me of that book “French women don’t get fat”.  The author talks about how the French drink lots of wine, but eat whatever they want, blah blah blah.  What she leaves out is an important chapter about smoking 5 packs of Gitanes Blondes Lights a day and drinking their cheap  Antech Blanquette de Limoux Champagne.  And maybe snacking on a baguette.  I wonder how many Parisians pair their McSnack wraps with a fine glass of Veuve Clicquot?  I’ve heard that wine is on the menu over there in Europe.  I just have 2 questions… can you get it in the drive through and do they offer any glasses or bottles on the 1 euro menu?  McBubbly anyone?