“Trick or Treating for Wino’s…”

I don’t know about you, but Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I love the cool weather, the crisp and dead leaves that have fallen to the ground and having to wear a light jacket.  Oh, okay.  I really like Halloween because I get to dress up and party with my husband and sister-in-laws.  I usually impersonate an annoying celebrity who has been in the news a lot.  The hottest costume this year is playing celebrity dress up.  Whether they are dead or alive, celebrities just beg to be impersonated.  Why else are they pulling all their dumb antics to get on the cover of a magazine?  This month’s blog is dedicated to celebrities, wine and making fun of it all! 

A chardonnay would be great with that bathing suit!

 

Farah Fawcett… nothing say’s “Angel” like a bottle of “7 Heavenly Chards” from California!   If our blond Charlie’s Angel was still with us, she’d enjoy this with a nice grilled shrimp Caesar salad out on the beach in a bikini romping with the other girls!  Charlie in a voicebox is optional for the costume. 

 

Frank Sinatra… the infamous old blue eyes deserves a bottle of “Blue Eyed Boy” Shiraz from Australia.  Share this wine with your Rat Pack pals or you’ll get a swift “Kick in the head” the next day from a hangover! I definitely suggest wearing a classy Sinatra tux while drinking this.

 

 

Looks like that bottle is gonna help his career... go down the drain!

Mickey Rourke… this celebrity costume is a little too easy to pull off.  Don’t wash your hair for several days and let it matte together, and pretend you have your illustrious acting career back when you really don’t.  Be sure to drink “Heavyweight Red” from California at your premier night for your sweaty, has-been, wrestler movie.  A Miami-vice type white suit is a bonus! 

 

 

Sarah Palin… well, maybe this was the most popular last year, but she is back in the limelight for now.  Since she likes to go hunting so much, and is so fond of those Alaskan moose, I think “Three Blind Moose Merlot” is right up her alley!  You could hide a bottle of this up in your poufy Palin hairdo at a party!

 

 Octomom… what more can we say except, “Mommy’s time out” Garganega / Pinot Grigio from Italy.  What with all her 14 kids or whatever.  Sheesh!  Have a bottle of this strapped to your Snugli kid carrier along with your little ones and your costume is set!

 Al Gore… dress up in your finest designer duds, fly your private jumbo jet (with just yourself in it) from your private airport, near your 10,000 square foot house with non-halogen light bulbs, and consume 10 times the normal amount of energy in one month as the normal family uses in 1 year, while drinking your organic wine.  Any organic wine will do, as long as your seen in public drinking it; it looks good on your video.  Oh, snap!

 

Madonna… like a virgin, hey… NOT!  But she can drink “Virgin Vines Chardonnay” and hope for the best.  Just dress like a has-been, add lines around your eyes and have 0% body fat.  Your costume is now complete.  Oh wait, make sure you strap a couple kids and wads of cash to you too.

Oh how you tease us, Dita Von Teese!

 

 Dita Von Teese… for those wishing to dress up as Marilyn Manson’s ex-wife, find the sexiest corset you can with garters and grab a bottle of “Drink ‘n Stick” red blend from Some Young Punks in Australia.  This fun wine will help you to figure out your Halloween costume before you buy it, by dressing the half naked girl on the label with sticker clothing.  You really have to see this label to believe it, and yes, the wine is great!

 

 

 

Is this the permanent look on her face?

John and Kate Gosselin… these tools deserve each other.  To really take on the Kate persona, you need to have a sourpuss look on your face all night and berate your husband in front of everyone.  Make sure you make him feel like an abused wife, then you’ve really gotten into the Kate character.  To truly complete this transformation, drink “Bitch Grenache” from Australia.   The poor soul that gets to dress as John Gosselin, can wear one of the many tacky Ed Hardy t-shirts, and after taking a beating from “Kate”, can hit on the younger chicks at the party.  A bottle of “Ed Hardy” wine will complete the outfit.  After finishing the bottle yourself, you will surely act like an even bigger tool and go running back to Kate.

 Hailey Joel Osment… remember him from that ghost movie with Bruce Willis?  Or how about a young Forrest Gump?  “Mamma always said don’t drive drunk, especially when you’re underage…” For this costume you could carry around a fake ID, a bag of dried parsley (for your marijuana) and go around whispering “I see drunk people….”  (For those who don’t know, he got caught in 2006 drinking and driving, crashing his car into a mailbox and was in possession of pot.  He was 19.)  Too bad he hadn’t at least been drinking “6^th Sense Syrah” from California.  He might have had a 6^th sense that he would get in an accident and would have just stayed at the party and perhaps slept it off instead!

 

Looks like Dr. McSteamy likes it kinky!

Eric Dane, Rebecca Gayheart and Kari Ann Peniche… Dr. McSteamy from Gray’s Anatomy and his wifey Rebecca (remember her as the Noxema girl with the huge doe-eyes?) and ex-Miss-USA-turned-hooker, Kari Ann Peniche, all got into a little Youtube trouble over a taped menage a trois.  What better wine to go with this costume, than a bottle of “Menage a Trois” from California!  For this costume, you need to act super high (as they said on the tape that they were really high at the time), keep making up funny porn movie names and keep repeating that you really need to erase this tape but then forget to.

 Happy Halloween everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I drink, therefore I am…

Is there any good wine in my future?

We’ve all heard the obvious stereotypes about blondes and redheads.  Does this mean that if I’m a blonde, I’m “supposed” to act a little dumb sometimes, and drink a simple wine like White Zinfandel?  If I’m a redhead and I’m known for being a bit feisty and dramatic, does this mean I should like a good Carmenere?  Here, we’ll take a fun and colorful look with our “Magic 8-ball” at how your hair color and personality “determine” your choices in wine (which will come about as close to the truth as the “Magic 8-ball” answers!)

How's 'bout some MerLOT y'all?

 

“The Bottled Blond”… blondes are known for being the desirable hair color.  Men surveyed however, say that this hair color is more appropriate for girlfriend material than marriage.  They are known to be the life of the party, and known for saying things that are a little “dumb” (hey, don’t be offended my fellow blondes!  I am a natural blonde, but I color my hair auburn; I have my dumb blonde moments too.) This being said, the Magic 8-ball says… blondes prefer White Zinfandel, Pinot Grigio and Merlot.  These are all wines that love to party!  Everyone likes to be around them and drink them in because they are pretty non-offensive to everyone.   If you want to look more intelligent, try going for a Pinot Gris or Pinot Bianco.  These are way more interesting and you can actually have a conversation about them. 

Well now, doesn't she look smart! I bet she drinks Kendall Jackson!

 

The Brilliant Brunette… brunettes are the valedictorians of the class.  They are the smart, dependable ones who have a good sense of humor and are just well balanced all around.  So what kind of wines do brunettes go for?  Magic 8-ball says… a dependable bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay and J. Lohr Cabernet Sauvignon.  Everyone feels confidant ordering these wines and they are consistently good from year to year.  They get high ratings usually (they love being suck-ups and getting good grades from Parker and Spectator!) and are usually made to taste the same every year.  They also have good looking labels, so people look smart having them sit on their table in a restaurant or when giving them as a gift. You gotta love the good old smart, dependable brunettes of wine; KJ and J. Lohr.  The only downfall, is that they are a dime-a-dozen, BORING!

 

Looks like her whip is well used!

The Red-Hot Redhead… fiery, unstable and hot-tempered.  Does this sound like any crimson haired heartbreaker you know? What kind of

wine do they normally drink when they are in one of their raging tizzy’s?  Magic 8-ball says… a Sauvignon Blanc (with it being produced in so many different regions around the world, ie: New Zealand, France and California, you NEVER know what you’re going to get!).  The 8-ball also says Gruner Veltliner wines are a good choice because of their known acidity, spiciness and cracked white pepper flavors.  The Gruner grape is grown in Germany almost exclusively and when I think of the wine, I think of a sexy-redhead in a German military uniform, cracking her whip at you while you drink her wine.  “You will like the Gruner, all hail the Gruner!”  For spiciness and sexiness, the Magic 8-ball also says that Carmenere is a great match.  It has notes of chocolate, and sometimes some smokiness or pepperiness.  Sounds like a wine that you should hit the sack with!  With all that smokiness and chocolate, who needs the cigarette and strawberries to go with it afterwards?

 So, what does it mean when you color your hair totally different from your natural hair color, like me?  Easy.  You drink whatever the heck you want!  Cheers!

 

Top 5 Useless Uses For Alcohol…

5.)  Forget the “Scrubbing Bubbles”…  I keep a bottle of Smirnoff in my shower for those really tough mildew and soap scum stains. 

It works hard, so you can have another shot!

             Oh okay, and for the occasional vodka shot while I’m scrubbing away.  I know this sound weird, using Vodka as a bathroom cleaner, but it actually works.  The high alcohol content kills the germs.  You can also use vodka to sanitize your clothing, clean your scalp from all that product buildup, and remove funky foot odor!  Next time I want to do a lemon-drop shot, I will surely think about that vodka and lemon juice and what a great deodorizing disinfectant it would make.  If the bar is a little dirty and sticky, voila!  A lemon drop shot and a rag to wipe the bar clean is all I need!

'Ol Doc looks a little stiff! He could use an Irish Whiskey Hot Toddy to loosen him up a bit!

4.)  A whiskey a day keeps the cough away… maybe if Doc Holliday had prescribed to this theory he wouldn’t have died from… oh wait.  Maybe this is a bad theory.    Whiskey, brandy, and bourbon had been thought to slow down brain function, warm the chest and numb the throat.  All this discourages the body from needing to cough.  Perhaps what old Doc really needed was a Hot Irish Whiskey Toddy!  Here’s a basic recipe (I’m not a doctor, so please don’t take this as a prescription!): 1 ½ oz Irish Whiskey,  6oz very hot tea, 1 tbsp honey, 2 cloves, and 1 cinnamon stick.  Make your tea first, then add cloves.  Pour tea into a mug and add whiskey, then honey and cinnamon stick.   Mmm… everything feels better now!  You don’t want to cough, let alone get off the couch!

 3.)  Quick, I’m bleeding!  Get the vodka from the icebox… I dare anyone to start keeping a little bottle of Absolut in their medicine chest instead of traditional antiseptic!  If you get hurt in Sweden though and they’re out of antiseptic, be ready to get cleaned up and liquored up while on the ambulance ride!  Absolut and Finlandia are the 2 favorite brands of ambulance drivers because of their purity.  Let’s just hope it’s not because of their taste too.

 2.)  Swine flu pandemic?  What swine flu?… a gin and tonic a day is what Englishmen living in tropical colonies prescribed to when

An unfortunate side effect of Vodka given to Colicky babies...

wishing to ward off malaria!  Perhaps if we all drink a gin and tonic a day, we can skip those swine flu shots!  If you lived in the 16^th or 17^th century, you could drink vodka to ward off all sorts of maladies like the plague and colic.  Wait, isn’t colic usually something that babies get?  I can just hear it, “Got a crying, fussy baby?  Give ‘em Vodka!”  Well, duh.  Hard liquor is sure to make them shut up quick.   Um hello, dependancy?  All this being said, at least we all know that in perilous times, like an apocalypse, those with a stocked liquor cabinet are going to be just fine. 

 1.)     I’ll snort my wine, thank you… now I know this one isn’t about hard liquor, but I can’t resist this one.  It has to top my list as the number one thing to do with alcohol.  Introducing…

Mariani Coca Wine!

Can you snort the dried stuff out of the cap?

Only the best Merlot laced with premium cocaine for our upscale customers!

(like Pope Leo XIII, President William McKinley, and depressed actresses)

“For Medicinal Purposes Only”

Side effects include doing a euphoric happy dance after drinking the prescribed “full glass” (adults) or “1/2 glass” (children).  Getting the munchies may occur, along with nonsensical laughter and dumb, random thoughts with outbursts.  Just like Coca-cola, Coca wine was wine laced with cocaine!  Mariani was the Kendall Jackson of its time and Pope Leo XIII awarded it gold medals because he loved it so much and carried it around with him under his robes on a daily basis.  John Pemberton, the original creator of Coca-cola, was a huge fan of the coca wine, and even produced his own, but because of prohibition, had to remove the wine and so he replaced it with syrup. Then eventually because people got so addicted to the cocaine (go figure!), they had to remove the cocaine as well.  To this day, it is Coca-cola company policy to deny that they ever put cocaine in their original recipe.  I think the whole story makes coke seem more charming and appealing if you ask me.  There are 2 liter bottles with a yellow cap marked with a OU-P, that are distributed only around the time of Passover.  It is said that this formula is the closest to the original one and is actually the 1935 recipe.  All the high fructose corn syrup is taken out and all the real sugar is added back in for this special formula.

So there, now with all this useless information you can have something even more mindless to talk about next time at the bar!  Bottoms up!